One critical component of mediation, I believe, is to choose the right mediator for your case and personality. There are lots of mediators in the area. They each have different approaches, styles, personalities, skill sets and backgrounds. For example, some are from a counselling background and believe in and work best with a situation in which both people are able to talk through their issues in each other's presence, perhaps including venting or crying. Others are focused on negotiating the asset division and work well with figures. Some offer creative suggestions, others only want the suggestions to come from you. Some will offer insights from the benefit of their legal experience, some will not. Some can move people past an apparent impasse, while others do not want to push people past their comfort levels.
These are only a few examples of the differences I have seen between mediators. It is important to discuss the choice of mediator with your attorney. I believe it can make all the difference in arriving at a successful resolution of your case.
Thursday
The Advantages of Mediation #1
After having gone through many trials and many mediation sessions on behalf of my clients, I have found advantages and disadvantages to both. Yet when the people I represent settle their cases via mediation, they have expressed several reasons why they appreciated the mediation process.
The mediation process gives you the ability to be flexible. You can take as long or as short as you want. Gather all of your financial information, take the day (and sometimes into the night), roll up your sleeves and get it all completed at one time. In mediation, you have the ability to call people of you have a question: your accountant, bank, realtor, relative. You can be finished and not have the continued anxiety or stress a dragged out legal battle.
The mediation process also allows you to take it slowly. You may meet for a few hours, and if it feels as though it is too much, you can stop and return later. You can purposefully schedule shorter sessions over time so that you can address one or two issues at a time. You may also choose to schedule shorter sessions so that you can leave mediation to obtain more information. Information you may need may be financial, such as whether you can qualify for a refinance, or obtain an appraisal, or check the status of your life insurance. Perhaps you have a legal question. Or, perhaps you need counseling.
Mediation is informal. You may dress comfortably, bring a friend for support, have refreshments, leave the room to stretch your legs. You may take as long as you want to think about an offer, or to consider the solution to an impasse. You get to choose whether you would prefer to be in the same room or in separate rooms.
Mediation's ability to be flexible, then, makes the setting for your discussions work around your needs.
The mediation process gives you the ability to be flexible. You can take as long or as short as you want. Gather all of your financial information, take the day (and sometimes into the night), roll up your sleeves and get it all completed at one time. In mediation, you have the ability to call people of you have a question: your accountant, bank, realtor, relative. You can be finished and not have the continued anxiety or stress a dragged out legal battle.
The mediation process also allows you to take it slowly. You may meet for a few hours, and if it feels as though it is too much, you can stop and return later. You can purposefully schedule shorter sessions over time so that you can address one or two issues at a time. You may also choose to schedule shorter sessions so that you can leave mediation to obtain more information. Information you may need may be financial, such as whether you can qualify for a refinance, or obtain an appraisal, or check the status of your life insurance. Perhaps you have a legal question. Or, perhaps you need counseling.
Mediation is informal. You may dress comfortably, bring a friend for support, have refreshments, leave the room to stretch your legs. You may take as long as you want to think about an offer, or to consider the solution to an impasse. You get to choose whether you would prefer to be in the same room or in separate rooms.
Mediation's ability to be flexible, then, makes the setting for your discussions work around your needs.
More about your kids
I have come across another excellent website about kids and separating parents. This one is for parents who were never married. The site includes excercises to help parents be child focused, and to facilitate a good co-parenting relationship with the other parent. The site is called Proud To Parent.
The site is filled with examples and reminders that it's the parent's responsibility to protect their child from the lifelong damage that results from seeing their parents in conflict. My favorit statement is: "Any and all times that your child sees you together belong to that child. They are for meeting her needs, and showing her that her world is safe."
Monday
Place to Start
Dr. Benjamin Garber is a local psychologist who frequently works with children in divorcing families. I recommend this book, as well as a good look at his Website if you have children and are either divorcing, or separating. No Matter What, the Most Important Things are the Children
I think this should be obvious to you, yet I understand that it is easy to forget what is most important when you are feeling the strong emotions you may be feeling. I came across a Website called The Stepfamily Letter Project, http://stepfamilyletterproject.wordpress.com. The site includes letters from different types of family members to other family members. The caption reads: “Blended Families Share Their Challenges, Joys, and Advice.” The letters are full of pain and wit. Yet, they illustrate how intensely one’s actions effect other people, how devastating selfishness and thoughtlessness is, and how uplifting is grace and understanding. If you look at this site, you may read letters from people experiencing similar frustrations and joys as you. I think that reading these honest writings helps to put things into perspective.
Tuesday
How do I pick a lawyer?
As a lawyer, I have a strong opinion about what makes a good Family Law attorney! After all, I deal with them every day! Here is what I think.
A prerequisite for all excellent attorneys is that he or she MUST know the law. But to be a great Family Law attorney, I believe your attorney should have many skills beyond that. He or she must be agile. I believe that Family Law is an area that requires an especially generous amount of maneuvering and balance from your attorney. You are in a place in your lives where you are the most emotionally challenged; there is a lot of sadness, anger, and fear present in most cases, likely yours. You probably have children involved. Combine that with the fact that a good Family Law attorney must do whatever he or she can to facilitate the best possible relationship between you and the person you are disagreeing with, at the same time the attorney is fighting to get the best possible result for you. That means your attorney needs to know when to negotiate and when to litigate, when to hold off, and when to be aggressive, when to hold your hand and when to give you a good talking to.
Your attorney must be accessible. You may have situations where you need to talk to your attorney, fast. You may be experiencing a crisis with your children or with your bills. You have to have an attorney you can reach quickly.
Your attorney should be a good listener. A lot of what goes on in a Family Law case is discovered between the lines, in what’s missing, in understanding your fears and needs, and your goals. You can’t always articulate that concisely or quickly.
Your attorney must have patience. You may be at your worst and the process takes time. You need someone on your side that has the patience to see you through.
I also believe that your attorney should have some familiarity, that is should have experience with what you are experiencing. Perhaps has raised kids, gone through a divorce, had the struggles that you’ve had, to really help understand what you are going through and feeling.
A prerequisite for all excellent attorneys is that he or she MUST know the law. But to be a great Family Law attorney, I believe your attorney should have many skills beyond that. He or she must be agile. I believe that Family Law is an area that requires an especially generous amount of maneuvering and balance from your attorney. You are in a place in your lives where you are the most emotionally challenged; there is a lot of sadness, anger, and fear present in most cases, likely yours. You probably have children involved. Combine that with the fact that a good Family Law attorney must do whatever he or she can to facilitate the best possible relationship between you and the person you are disagreeing with, at the same time the attorney is fighting to get the best possible result for you. That means your attorney needs to know when to negotiate and when to litigate, when to hold off, and when to be aggressive, when to hold your hand and when to give you a good talking to.
Your attorney must be accessible. You may have situations where you need to talk to your attorney, fast. You may be experiencing a crisis with your children or with your bills. You have to have an attorney you can reach quickly.
Your attorney should be a good listener. A lot of what goes on in a Family Law case is discovered between the lines, in what’s missing, in understanding your fears and needs, and your goals. You can’t always articulate that concisely or quickly.
Your attorney must have patience. You may be at your worst and the process takes time. You need someone on your side that has the patience to see you through.
I also believe that your attorney should have some familiarity, that is should have experience with what you are experiencing. Perhaps has raised kids, gone through a divorce, had the struggles that you’ve had, to really help understand what you are going through and feeling.
Sunday
Saturday
Financial Affidavits are your Friend
And, if you do not give them the attention they deserve, can also be your enemy. I know that completing a financial affidavit is tedious and time consuming. Revising them can feel worse, because you have already gone through all of that work once. But, they are probably the most important document in your entire case. Why? Because it is your statement, your proclamation, of the value of your assets, disclosure of your income and debts, and your cost of living. A court will rely on the numbers that you include, for the better or worse of your case. For example, you have made a guess at the value of your home, and write that value down on your financial affidavit. You and your spouse have written the same value - so the court and everyone involved does not think that there is a dispute about the value of that asset. Then, you find yourself at trial. Somewhere along the line you have realized that your house is worth a lot more than you thought it was, and you hope to get your fair share of that house, but the judge looks at you and says that YOU have already signed a document that stated that your house was only worth the lesser value and that's all you're going to get! You thought that financial affidavit was just a form to fill out, and now the court is taking it seriously!
The above is but one of many examples I could describe to illustrate why your financial affidavit is more than just some form that I am making you fill out, some make work that you should not have to do. Of course, there is more to talk about in the above example, including what I would have discussed with you about the value of your home between the time you filled out your first financial affidavit and trial - but that's another posting.
The above is but one of many examples I could describe to illustrate why your financial affidavit is more than just some form that I am making you fill out, some make work that you should not have to do. Of course, there is more to talk about in the above example, including what I would have discussed with you about the value of your home between the time you filled out your first financial affidavit and trial - but that's another posting.
Thursday
Communication = Satisfaction?
I think a lot of people have concerns around communication when they have a lawyer. Do you? "Concerns" can run from frustration that your lawyer is so difficult to get in touch with, to frustration with not having things explained well enough, to feeling as though you are not being listened to. I believe that all of that leads to feeling as though your lawyer does not care about your case.
I don't know about other law firms, or other lawyers, but YES, I care! I think you would be surprised to see how much time is taken to consider, worry over, and talk about your case between us at the firm. We quite literally regularly evaluate the status of a cases and try to figure out if there is a better way to help our client reach his or her goals, resolve the case more quickly, or to get the most from each dollar spent. AND, all of that ruminating, strategizing and discussing does not cost you anything; it's time spent that is not being billed to you.
So, how do I make you feel satisfied about communicating with me?
I don't know about other law firms, or other lawyers, but YES, I care! I think you would be surprised to see how much time is taken to consider, worry over, and talk about your case between us at the firm. We quite literally regularly evaluate the status of a cases and try to figure out if there is a better way to help our client reach his or her goals, resolve the case more quickly, or to get the most from each dollar spent. AND, all of that ruminating, strategizing and discussing does not cost you anything; it's time spent that is not being billed to you.
So, how do I make you feel satisfied about communicating with me?
Wednesday
What should you do before you first meet with a lawyer?
As your lawyer, I need to know the facts and details, but I also want to know your story. Think about what you would want your lawyer to know about your situation and the people who are a part of it. What is important to you? What are your goals? What are the best and worse possible outcomes for you? What questions do you have about what may happen in your case? Writing your questions or comments ahead of time may be helpful.
The first meeting is also a good opportunity for you to ask questions about your lawyer, how the office works, how your fees will be kept track of.
Most importantly, the first meeting is your opportunity to see whether you can work with this lawyer as a person. Through a divorce or parenting case, you will be sharing close personal details with your lawyer, relying on him or her, trusting him or her to look out for you as best they can. If you can not "connect" with a lawyer as a person during your first meeting, chances are it will not get better after that. And, if you do not feel comfortable with your lawyer, it is likely that communication will suffer, as well as the case.
The first meeting is also a good opportunity for you to ask questions about your lawyer, how the office works, how your fees will be kept track of.
Most importantly, the first meeting is your opportunity to see whether you can work with this lawyer as a person. Through a divorce or parenting case, you will be sharing close personal details with your lawyer, relying on him or her, trusting him or her to look out for you as best they can. If you can not "connect" with a lawyer as a person during your first meeting, chances are it will not get better after that. And, if you do not feel comfortable with your lawyer, it is likely that communication will suffer, as well as the case.
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